As our staff beard-growing contest continues (read: becomes itchier), my beard seems to be coming in somewhat red. Which is weird, because my hair is light brown. Why the ginger beard? LTI has remarked to me that it's starting to make me look like Hank Scorpio, the super villain from the Simpsons. Which is, now that I think about it, probably one of the coolest characters you could ever be compared to.

 

A sampling of hilarious Hank Scorpio-related dialogue... (and, on a side note, why have they never brought that character back? Really now? Also, apparently that picture of me was taken with the same camera used to shoot the Busta Rhymes Woo-Hah! I Got You All in Check video)

 

Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Hank Scorpio: Sugar? Sure.
[takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets]
Hank Scorpio: There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
[reaches back into his pockets]
Homer: Uh... I... no.

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...

Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bunt?
Secret Agent: Scorpio, you're totally mad.
Hank Scorpio: Hah. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.
Secret Agent: So, do you expect me to talk?
Hank Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral.
[walks off]
Hank Scorpio: You're gonna die now!

Hank Scorpio: [Homer has just stopped one of Scorpio's enemies from escaping, much to his delight] When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house!

Hank Scorpio: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank Scorpio: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank Scorpio: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank Scorpio: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district!
Hank Scorpio: Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.
[laughs]
Hank Scorpio: I'm just kidding.
Homer: Oh.
Hank Scorpio: You know who invented the hammock, Homer?
Homer: No.
Hank Scorpio: There's something for you to do: find that out.

Hank Scorpio: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I!
[throws them out the door]
Hank Scorpio: Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.

Hank Scorpio: You will notice, my new best friend, that we are very casual around here.
Homer: Yes Mr.Scorpion, very casual.
Hank Scorpio: Don't call me Mr.Scorpion. It's Mr.Scorpi-O, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!